Just a Memory
by xMako-Eyesx
Summary: A mission gone wrong leaves Rey without her memories. How will she react to life with Ben (or Kylo Ren as she remembers him) when all she can recall is the moment before leaving Starkiller Base.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Rey opened her eyes. It was bright in this room – a room she didn't recognize. When she tried to sit up, a sharp pain radiated in her temples. Rey lay back down.

_Where am I?_

If she was in this much pain then something must have happened. She must have been hurt, and if she was hurt then she would be in care right now. But this room was unlike any med bay she'd ever been in. The Falcon's med bay was a far cry from this. This was clearly a bedroom. Rey lay on a large queen bed, the softest she'd ever felt. Her bed in Jakku was hard and full of sand, this bed was like a cloud and the blankets were thick and clean.

Rey looked around the room. The walls surrounding her were dark green, like the forest she'd seen on Takodama. Most of the furniture around her was made to look like something from the woods. Whoever's room this was clearly liked things natural and beautiful and _green_.

Rey tried to sit up again. When she moved slowly the pain in her head wasn't so bad. To her right was a transparent screen projected above a monitoring device. Rey looked down at her arm. She was hooked up to the device by tubes in her arm and sensors clamped onto her finger.

She couldn't remember how she got here, or what she was doing before. _What's the last thing I remember?_

Starkiller base. A rift in the woods. Han. And a pair of pretty eyes.

_"I'm not giving you anything."_

_ "We'll see."_

Rey shuddered.

Maybe she'd been injured during her escape from Starkiller base. Maybe someone from the resistance had brought her here.

Rey swung her legs over the edge of the bed. The wood floor was cold and bumpy on her feet. When she stood her legs were wobbly, like they hadn't been used for a long time. Rey walked a couple of paces in front of her bed to get her legs used to bearing weight, then she headed out the door on her left.

She walked into a round room. There was a kitchen curving around the far wall and circular couches around a fireplace that burned in the middle of the room. Floor to ceiling glass windows lined the whole room.

A door whizzed open on her left. Rey spun around to see none other than Kylo Ren as he walked through the door.

Rey's heart thudded in her chest.

He wasn't alone. Finn walked in behind him, followed by a man with brown curly hair she didn't recognize.

It took them a moment to notice her. When Ren saw her, his jaw dropped open. "Rey."

Her head hurt. What was he doing here? And dressed like that? His robes were gone. Instead he wore black, lose fitting pants and a fitted black long sleeved shirt. His hair was shorter than she last remembered but it still curled around his ears in a way that made it hard for her to stop staring.

And Finn was with him, looking healthy, unhurt and not at all scared of Ren.

"Finn! Get away from him!" Rey gasped.

Finn's brows drew together. "Rey. Are you alright? Maybe you woke up too soon."

Ren looked hurt. Rey couldn't understand why he'd have any reason to be. He'd tried to kill Finn, and her.

Her saber. She needed her saber. Rey tried to summon her sabre by tapping into the force to call it to her. It didn't occur to her that she wasn't able to do this before, on Starkiller, it had been a bit of beginners luck the first time. Instead, the only thing that entered her mind was a headache. One that made her dizzy.

She was apparently too weak to use the force at the moment. Rey stared to fall as her legs gave out underneath her. Finn rushed forward and Ren put his hands out. Rey felt his force powers curl around, cushioning her fall enough to drop her into Finn's arms.

Her breathing came in heavy and the room spun. That was last thing she remembered before she passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When she woke up, Rey was back in the comfy bed in the forest bedroom. Finn sat on the edge of her bed. He looked up when she stirred.

"Hey, peanut. We thought it'd be better if it was just me with you the next time you woke up," Finn said. "Even if Poe's a little mad about that."

Rey nodded. Then she frowned. "Who's Poe?"

Finn's mouth opened a little but he didn't speak at first. 'Oh, boy."

"What?"

"Rey, what's the last thing you remember?"

"We were on Starkiller base. Kylo Ren killed Han. He injured you. And then we fought. I was winning before the land broke apart. And that's about it."

"Ah. Alright. Let me start from the beginning. You'll probably have lots of questions, but let me keep talking until I've caught you up. Deal?"

"Deal." Rey bit her lip.

Finn took a deep breath. "That was three years ago, Rey." Finn stopped to watch her face. Rey's blood ran cold. _Three years?_

She didn't dare speak. Her throat felt dry, and she had promised Finn to let him finish talking.

"After Starkiller, you went to see Luke. He wasn't much for training you, but while you were there you formed a force bond with Kylo Ren. I understand that you had some... good conversations with him. I was still recovering on the Raddus and it took us a while to meet up again."

_Kylo Ren and I _talked_?_ Rey frowned.

_"You need a teacher. I could show you the ways of the force."_

"You met up with Ben on the Supremacy, Snoke's ship, and you and Ben killed him. After that, we fought on Crait. Luke helped us escape but it cost him his life. You saved us too with your rock lifting jedi thing, but the resistance was in rough shape. We spent a year hiding, recouping and training. You trained with Leia. Kylo Ren became Ben again. Emperor Palpatine returned. He's your grandfather. You and Ben fought him and you killed him, but died yourself. Ben brought you back to life. And Leia sacrificed herself to save Ben. And then you married him and bought yourself a nice house in the middle of the woods of Takodama, close to Maz's. That's where we are now."

Rey's breath came in a little faster. Crait? Kylo Ren? Force bond? Palpatine?

"Look, I realized half way through my explanation, there's no way I can convey half of what's happened in the past three years. I think it'd be best for us to figure out what happened to your memories of the past and go from here. Ben can always do that mind thing he does and feed you images of the past."

Rey recoiled. "Absolutely not."

Finn smiled a little. "Look, I'm happy for you and Ben. I can see now how much of a good match you both make, but from my perspective, and Poe's, and Leia's, your relationship with him came about rather suddenly and I was annoyed at how easily you seemed to love our enemy. If your reaction now is any glimpse of the past, then I'm getting a lot of joy out of knowing he had to work for it."

Rey let out a small laugh. "Finn, everything you're saying sounds like a lie. I can't love him. I don't. I-" Rey ran out of things to say. She didn't have any reason to believe Finn was lying to her, but she couldn't remember anything. She did remember the moment he took off his helmet on Starkiller though. How he took her breath away, how he terrified and excited her at the same time.

_"Don't worry, I feel it too."_

"What made me lose my memory in the first place?" Rey asked instead of any more questions that would lead to more conversation about Ren.

"Right. You and Poe were on a supply run when you were ambushed up smugglers. You were going to bring some medicine to one of the poorer planets near by. Medicine that was worth a lot on the black market. Poe said you hit your head really hard while fighting them off."

"Oh. Did that planet get the medicine they needed?"

Finn smiled wide. There was warmth in his eyes. "Yeah, peanut, they did." He took her hand. "The doctor said you'd need some rest for a few days but that you'd wake up once your brain had healed. There was, uh, swelling. He didn't say anything about memory loss. We'll call him back to talk about this."

"Ok," Rey said. "Thank you, Finn. Sorry for all the trouble."

"Don't you dare mention it. I'm just glad you're alright. Poe was worried sick. He blamed himself for your injury. Ben's been worried too. He hasn't left your side unless the kids need him."

Rey stilled. "Kids?"

"Oh, crap." Finn paled. "Sorry, I was going to let you process all this information before I told you. You and Ben have twins. A boy and a girl, just like Luke and Leia."

Rey's mouth hung open. She tried to speak but her throat felt tight.

She had fought _with_ Ren, instead of against him.

She apparently liked him enough to marry him.

And they have kids together.

_"You know I can take whatever I want."_

Rey lay back down. She felt dizzy again.

Finn seems to pick up on her unease. "Let's call the doctor. He'll know what to do about your memory." He squeezed her hand. "I hope you get all your memories back, Rey. Especially the ones about me. Let's be honest, those really are the best ones."

Rey laughed a little. "I hope so too." Rey couldn't believe she's a mom. And that Ren is the father of her children. She wants to run. Run from the reality that is this life, but she knows that wouldn't make sense. Finn isn't lying. And the way Ren looked at her in the other room was like nothing she'd ever seen from him before. She had to steady her nerves. He wasn't the man she remembered. Whether or not she wanted to believe it, this was her life now.

Rey needed to get her memories back so she could take back her life, at Ren's side.

My books (e-book/kindle unlimited/paperback):

The Priests and the Yokai I and II by Lindsey Merril

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	3. Chapter 3

The doctor came an hour later. He asked Rey a bunch of questions about what she remembered since she woke up and since before her injury. Then he called Finn back into the room.

"She has retrograde amnesia. It's not uncommon with head trauma. Her memory should recover the more she heals. It might take six to nine months," he said.

Rey stared at the man's wrinkled face. Six to nine months and then she might remember everything from her life that led her to be married to Kylo Ren.

"Is there anyway to make it return faster?" Rey asked.

"It's best not to force your recovery, but you can search out familiar places with people you care for. Maybe something will feel more familiar than it should and help your pathways heal." The doctor said.

"What about using the force? I fainted when I tried to call my sabre."

"I'll leave that up to you. I don't understand the force very well, but it probably wasn't wise to use it the moment you woke up. But as you feel better there should be no reason to refrain."

Rey nodded. "Alright. Thank you."

The doctor left and Rey turned her gaze to Finn. He was looking out the door nervously.

"What is it Finn?"

"I need to tell him what the doctor said. I can feel how much he's buzzing with impatience out there. He's trying really hard to give you space."

"He- oh," Rey realized how silly it was to ask who Finn was referring to. She inclined her head to let Finn know he could go. Finn disappeared through the door for a while. Rey could hear him speaking, followed by Ren's deep voice.

Rey sighed. She would need to see him. See her children. If this truly wasn't some trick, some force illusion, then she couldn't keep herself away from them. They were probably very worried about their mother and Rey knew all too well what that felt like.

_How am I going to do this?_ Rey nibbled on her bottom lip.

When Finn returned he said his goodbyes. It was getting late and he and Poe were going to head home for the night. "I'll come see you first thing tomorrow."

Rey gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Finn. Say thank you to Poe too."

"Will do." Finn flicked his eyes to the door and back to Rey. "He wants to see you."

"Yeah, sure. Send him in," Rey said.

Finn chuckled. "Well, this is his bedroom too after all, even if you've been hogging the bed for a while. I think he's been sleeping on the double with the twins so he wouldn't risk bumping any of your medical equipment."

Rey's mouth dropped open a little, but she said nothing. She sighed. "Thanks again Finn."

Finn left. Rey held her breath.

Ren burst into the room and then suddenly stopped as if remembering he should be careful around her. He stood awkwardly at the door.

"Rey."

Rey didn't trust herself to speak.

_You. A scavenger._

"I'm so glad you're alright."

Rey could see it and feel it rippling through the force, how badly he wanted to reach out to her, embrace her.

"I- I don't know how to do this," Ren said.

"Me either."

"I don't want to be forceful, but I want-" Ren trailed off.

Rey didn't know what to say. She needed to make herself believe this was her husband and that Kylo Ren had truly changed, but she couldn't help how far away he felt from her.

Ren walked forward a few paces, then stopped himself. "I-"

Watching him flounder like this was a little amusing. Rey's eyes moved from his twitching hands to the tips of his pinkening ears.

"The doctor said we could try to help my memory recover," Rey said. "I think I should see the... kids... first. Then I would like to shower. And then maybe you can show me one of our memories. I'm tired and I don't know what that kind of use of the force will do so I'd like to be prepared to sleep if I need to."

That seemed to calm him quite a bit. A plan. He liked that. "Right. Good. I'll go get them."

He left quickly. Rey's heart thudded in her chest as she waited for him to return.

She heard them before she saw them. "Mum!" Two voices shrieked and footsteps echoed down the hall. A boy and a girl, about two years old, crashed through the door.

"Han, Paige. I told you to slow down." The deep frown of his face reminded Rey most of Ren in that moment. The stillness of his anger, the dominance of his presence.

"Sorry, dad," Paige said. Han muttered something like an apology too.

"Paige?" Rey said quietly. Her eyes flicked to Ren, lost.

"Rose's sister. She died in the war."

"Rose?"

Ren's eyes widened and then he just looked sad. "You'll remember her. She's your best friend."

"Oh." Rey frowned. Han and Paige jumped into her arms. Their bodies felt warm and small and comforting. It was like even if her brain couldn't remember them, her heart did.

Han. Ren's father.

_And Han Solo. _

_ You feel like he's the father you never had. _

_ He would have disappointed you._

So much must have changed. Rey cuddled her children close. They cried and told her how much they missed her, how scared they were. "It's ok. I'm ok."

Rey wanted to hold them longer, but she could feel her grip loosen the more tired she became.

"Let your mother rest for tonight. She'll see you again tomorrow," Ren said.

The twins groaned but they slid from Rey's arms. Rey could tell Ren's rule over them was absolute. _I'm not surprised._ Rey smiled a little to herself.

Ren disappeared for a while to put the twins to bed. Then he came back. He sat on the edge of her bed, as far from her as possible.

He took in a deep breath. "This is... difficult."

"Yeah."

"I'm so relieved you're alright, but you think I'm-"

It was like he couldn't say it. That he was Kylo Ren. But he was. In Rey's mind, he still was.

"Show me a memory."

Ren met her eyes. He twisted his mouth in a way that felt familiar. He was thinking about it. Trying to choose which memory to show her. Rey watched him. His wavy, dark hair fell into his eyes. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept well in a while.

"Alright." Ren moved closer to her. When he first reached for her face, Rey flinched back. It was too much like their first face to face meeting on Starkiller base. Ren withdrew his hand. "Sorry."

"No. Do it." Rey steadied herself.

Ren's finger tips lightly brushed over her temples.

It felt like a dream. It was a memory through his eyes. Ren was looking around the room. The living room, the one Rey had fainted in earlier. There was clearly some kind of gathering at their house. There were at least twenty people there. Finn. Poe. And a bunch of others Rey couldn't name.

Ren was tucked into a back corner of the room. Not really interacting with anyone. His gaze came to rest on Rey. She was sitting with a black haired girl. _Rose._ Rey was laughing really hard at something. The kind of laugh where her teeth were showing and her eyes crinkled. When she had finished laughing she looked over at Ren and smiled a little smile, just for him.

And that was it. That was the memory. Ren took his fingers away from her temple.

She felt tired, as she predicted she might. "Thank you."

Ren gave a little nod and stood up. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Ok." It didn't take long for Rey to fall asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Rey woke up the next morning feeling better. Her head hurt less. She wasn't as dizzy when she stood to get dressed. She found her clothes fairly easily. Their room was meticulously organized. That must be Ren's doing, not hers. Rey may not remember the last few years, but she knew she wasn't this neat.

She headed out into the living room. The twins were already up, sitting on the floor playing with blocks while Ren lay stretched out beside them.

"Mom!" Han's smile lit up his whole face.

"Come play," Paige said. Rey sat down next to them. She helped the kids build towers and knock them over. Her eyes flicked to Ren every so often. He used the Force to pass the twins blocks when they wanted them. _Lazy._ Rey smiled a little.

There was a knock on a door. Rey looked around the room. To the right of a kitchen was a short hallway, with a large front door. It opened on its own. Rey looked over to see Ren with his arm stretched out. Is this what peace time is like? Rey tilted her head. _Domestic use of the force._

The woman Ren had showed her in his memory last night stepped inside, followed by a tall red-head with a scowl on his face. A little girl around the same age as the twins darted through their legs. There was a lot of talking and gesturing between the girl and the twins and before Rey knew it, they were pulling on their shoes and heading outside.

Rey looked over at Ren. "Are they allowed to do that?"

"Yeah." Ren smiled a little.

"Rey! I'm so glad you're alright." Rose ran over to her and gave her a huge hug. "Leia was asking about you lots. How's auntie Rey? Like a thousand times a day."

Rey smiled. "I've lost my memory, Rose."

"I know. Finn called last night to give me an update." Rose looked sad. Her gaze moved to Ren, now rising from the floor. He nodded at the man behind Rose.

"We have so much to talk about," Rose said. "But not now. We'll take the twins into town for a couple hours. I know this must be a lot for you." Rose gave her another hug.

"Don't feed them too much sugar, Hux," Ren said.

Hux's lips quirked slightly. "Why ever would I do that?" He and Rose left. It was very quiet after the door closed behind them.

Rey turned to Ren. "How did you sleep?" he asked.

"Good. I feel less dizzy today," Rey said. She headed into the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboards. She was able to make herself a bowl of cereal with little trouble. Her body must remember through muscle memory where things were. Rey was aware Ren was watching her closely. She could feel it through the Force.

Rey ate her cereal quickly, barely pausing to breathe between bites.

"I'm glad that not much about you has changed, despite your memory loss," Ren said.

Rey looked at him in the middle of lifting her spoon. Milk sloshed over the sides. "Oh. Good." She wasn't sure what else to say. After she ate she used the Force to place her bowl in the sink. It didn't hurt as much today, not like the first time she tried. Rey felt a little dizzy, but otherwise fine. She would need to start using the Force again slowly.

"Let's go for a walk," Ren said.

"Alright."

Ren led her through a sliding door in the living room. Rey put on her boots and followed him into the grassy meadows that stretched out from their house.

His hand found hers and he intertwined their fingers.

Rey pulled her hand away and recoiled.

Ren's face was pure shock. He seemed to remember himself after a moment. "Sorry. Habit." He stuffed his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunching.

Rey frowned. "No. It's alright." She grabbed his hand and laced her fingers through his. It felt strange. Part of her was so content to hold his hand, and another felt like a traitor.

Ren seemed to relax next to her.

"Rey, could you try your best to think of me as Ben." His tone was soft.

"You can hear my thoughts?" Rey's brows drew together. He had read her mind on Starkiller base, was he doing it again?

"Just echos of it when you're not thinking at me directly. After our fight on Starkiller, the Force connected us. Our bond lets us share thoughts and connects us together," Ben said.

"Oh."

"I'll show you. Later. I can show the memory of our first conversations," Ben said.

Rey nodded. "Yes, please." His hand was big and warm. It enclosed hers so perfectly.

"I'm not reading your mind. Just so you know. But I can hear the echos of your thoughts. And _that_ name," Ben said.

"Sorry, I just-"

"I know. You don't remember."

Rey wasn't use to him being so understanding, gentle and, she glanced at him, tall. When she had woken up in the interrogation room on Starkiller she had hated him with her whole being, but as soon as he had taken his mask off, she knew she was in trouble. Rey couldn't help but stare, at his hair, his dark eyes. He wasn't what she had been expecting.

It was warm and sunny outside. The grass was tall and there were wild flowers as far as her eyes could see. Rey looked back on their home. It was the only one in the area.

"We live so secluded. Was that my idea or yours?" Rey asked.

"Both. I wanted to be away from everyone. It was hard for me, after I left Kylo Ren behind, to feel like I would ever be accepted again... in any group. I wanted to be alone, away from anything to do with the resistance or the First Order." Ben said.

"What about me?" Rey asked. She could see herself wanting to be alone. She was so use to it from Jakku that a city would have been too much for her, but quiet with some friends close by would have been ideal.

_"You're not alone."_

_ "Neither are you."_

Rey's brows drew together at the echo of the memory. When had they said that to each other?

"You wanted... to be close to your friends. And to be with me. So you were happy with anything," Ben said. Rey nodded.

"Do you have friends near by too?"

"Your friends are my friends now. And I suppose I have Hux," Ben huffed a laugh at himself.

"Hux?"

"The guy with Rose. He was with me in the first order. We didn't exactly get along back then," Ben said.

"But you were on the same side."

"Yes, but we were also against each other." Ben smiled.

Rey trailed her fingers through the spiky grass. "So Rose ended up with someone from the First Order too."

"Yeah. That's her story to tell though," Ben said. "Especially since I can't understand how anyone could love Hux."

"Some people probably said that about you."

"You're right." Ben squeezed her hand. They looped back to the house once Rey was getting tired. The twins returned shortly after that and then Ben made dinner. Rey watched him with a sort of weird fascination as he cooked. The dreaded Kylo Ren was making dinner... for their family.

Rey played with the twins until it was time for bed. Ben helped her figure out their routine and soon Rey was tucking in Han and Paige while they smiled at her.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, mom," Paige said. "I was scared."

"It was just a bump on the head. I'll be all better soon," Rey said.

"Will you tell us a story from your childhood?" Han asked.

Rey stilled. She looked at Ben. "This is a thing they like. To hear about our lives before we had them."

"Do I have any good stories?"

"You have plenty." Ben said.

Rey thought for a moment. "When I was little, I use to have dune races with the other children on Jakku. We would race each other down the hill. We used metal scraps as sleds."

"Awesome," Han said. Paige giggled.

Rey closed the door to their room and walked back into the living room with Ben. It wasn't late, but she was tired.

"I'm going to rest. Will you show me another memory?" Rey asked.

"Yes."

Rey got ready for bed and once she was seated with the covers pulled up to her waist, Ben came in and sat beside her.

"Ready?"

Rey nodded. Ben took his time moving his hand up her face toward her temple. His warm fingers trailed a long her jaw, by her ear, and into her hair line. Rey drew in a shuddering breath. Then she felt the memories come.

"Murderous snake."

Ben's shocked face when she shot him with her blaster.

His face, barely healed.

"You are a monster."

"Yes, I am."

Ben moving closer to her. The way they stared into each other's eyes.

"Let the past die. Kill it if you have to."

"You can't stop needing them. It's your greatest weakness."

"Liar."

"You'll pay for what you did."

"You're not alone."

"Neither are you."

Rey opened her eyes to Ben drawing his hand away. Her breathing was unsteady. She wiped her cheeks when she felt the tears that were rolling down them.

Rey wanted to say something to him, but the words wouldn't come. He was so different, even in those memories, from what she knew of him on Starkiller. His soul had been open for her to see. And that moment when their hands touched. Rey felt it now, through every nerve in her body. She met his eyes. Ben's mouth was tight, his eyes troubled.

"Good night, Rey."

"Good night."

She let him go. She didn't know what to say and Ben seemed to know there was nothing to be said. These memories were the past for him and the present for her. She fell back onto her pillow. Rey's mind tried to stay on the memories he'd shown her, but soon sleep won out.

It's been a while! I got laid off due to COVID-19 and I'm struggling with a health thing so I've been really tired and lacking motivation to write. Stay safe out there!

My books (Kindle unlimited/ebook/paperback)

The Priestess and the Yokai I and II by Lindsey Merril


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